LIFE LATELY (and iphone pics duh)

UM HI.
I am back from my very much unplanned hiatus from this blogging space. What sparked this sudden inspiration?? HOMEWORK of course! So. Basically nothing has changed.

SO here's a very unorganized list of things that are happening currently. (lists! disorganization!! procrastination!!! everything you could ever hope for, honestly)

Milo has started "helping" me around the house and while it's the least effective thing, it's also the cutest. The other day I was digging through a pile of laundry, looking for something to wear (who even folds laundry anyway?) and he came over and started pulling clothes out and digging through the pile as well. THEN after class one day I was getting ready to put him down for a nap and I had him on one hip and a bottle in my hand and had the water running, waiting for it to get warm. He grabbed the bottle out of my hand and stuck it under the water (not the right way of course. he managed to do it in a way that sprayed water everywhere but i digress) Anyway, it's my favorite thing he does currently.

Speaking of Milo, can we talk about how he will be ONE IN TWO WEEKS? I'm feeling very emotional but mostly excited. Also I made a video with a bunch of clips from the past year and I cried at least 6,000 times while making it.

At the beginning of the year I made the goal to read lots lots more this year, and not only that but I made the goal to only read books written by women this year. I've read like 5 or 6 books so far which is more than I read in all of 2014. Also I'm taking a women's lit class this semester that is probably my favorite class I've ever taken and yeah. It's a cool thing.

I bought a new journal and that's quite honestly why I haven't blogged in awhile. I stopped writing for a year or two because my tendonitis was bad and it super hurt to write, but now I'm doing much better and I just love tangible pages so much better than anything the internet has to offer. Plus, when I started incessantly journaling at 13 I decided I wouldn't stop until I reached 20 journals. And I made it all the way to 14 so I can hardly stop now.

Parks and Rec is SO GOOD THIS SEASON. I mean it's always good, but this season is truly exceptional and I'm going to be very sad when it ends FOREVER NEXT WEEK.

I've been cooking a lot recently??? (I know, I know... I don't even recognize myself these days) But I'm here to tell you that chicken enchilada zucchini boats are WHERE IT'S AT.

(meanwhile Milo's dinners be like)

Basically all I want to eat these days are veggies, grapefruit, peanut butter toast, and tuna sandwiches. And pizza, because pizza. Also, I could pretty much eat squash at every meal. (like I said, I don't know who I am anymore)

I've been running three times a week for like the past month or so and I love it so much. I listen to Serial while I run (please listen to Serial. PLEASE.) and it's one of my favorite things.

Playing this on cello currently, and I will never get over how much I love it. Also apparently the cello girl plays it in If I Stay? ha.

OH and one last thing about Milo. We finally moved him into his own room this week. Don't ask me why we didn't do it sooner. I just like having him around all the time. That said, it's SO nice to have our bedroom back.

And I'm pretty sure he hasn't even noticed the difference. 

OKAY THANKS FOR STICKING WITH ME IF YOU MADE IT ALL THE WAY THROUGH. This has been an incredibly exciting update on my incredibly exciting life, I know. I do what I can.

Annnnnd one last picture to send you on your way. These two are just the best.

hey there, snow

After a ridiculously warm Thanksgiving and early December, it felt like the most magical thing in the world waking up Christmas morning to SNOW. It's been snowing fairly consistently ever since and while I hate driving in it, I certainly love admiring it (from my front yard... for like, 5 minutes)

I've been taking it s l o w since school let out. Late mornings in bed watching TV with Milo, lounging around in leggings and thermal tees, eating peanut butter toast (LOTS of peanut butter toast) and of course tons of chocolate. This past semester was quite honestly fairly difficult for me. My course load was a lot heavier than usual (why did I take TWO upper level philosophy classes at the same time??) and I had a baby that required all my time and attention outside of class. Honestly, I think I should get an award for getting up, getting dressed, getting Milo dressed, packing the diaper bag, packing my book bag, and making it to the babysitters with everything in tow by 10 am. (PS: If you babysat my child this semester I seriously can never thank you enough) I got on a really good schedule, and most days everything felt manageable. Drop the baby off, walk to school, pick the baby up, play until Andrew gets home, make dinner, baby to bed, homework, bed, wash, rinse, repeat. It wasn't until I took a break that I would realize how exhausting it all was. Thanksgiving was basically a brick wall for me. Dragging myself out of bed after that glorious taste of a vacation was essentially impossible. 

Where am I going with this, you ask? No where in particular, actually. Mostly I'm just trying to illustrate that this winter break has been the best thing ever and I'm already dreading going back next week (!!!!!) But this snow has been a nice reminder that it's okay to take a break. It's okay to stay under the covers all day and order pizza and marathon Lord of the Rings. It's okay to let the laundry pile up (already regretting this one, but I digress). So just let me have this last week of hibernation and then I'll come out swinging in 2015. 

weeeeellllllll

i might have taken a bit of an unplanned break from this here blog. real life has kinda been getting in the way of coherent thoughts. bleh, even now i can't even figure out what to say our how to say it or what is pertinent or anythingg.as;galkd;galks;

ramble blog *celebration hands emoji*

so we got in a car accident. not like a terrible one, but we got rear-ended at a stoplight by a lady who was going about 35 mph and just not paying attention even a little. the back end of our car was totally messed up and all the framework had to be redone so that's been in the shop for the past 2 weeks and we've been in a rental.

around this time my depression came back with a vengeance. i've had depression for years but something about being pregnant and having a baby gave me some super great happy hormones for about a year that kept the depression at bay. but alas, it's back. the soonest i could get in with the doctor i want (switching doctors, and this new one has a killer waitlist, but i hear she's worth it) is the first week of december. so until then i'm just riding the waves as they come.

along with this depression has come a huge wave of apathy, which is always great when school is a thing. it's been incredibly hard to motivate myself to do anything, and then when i don't do anything i get crazy anxiety and shut down. it's a lovely cycle. but i'm working at it and just trying to take it one day at a time and do what i can. i dunno. it's frustrating, especially when the past year or so has been so so good. i was kinda hoping i was over that whole depression thing, ya know?

anyway, so onto the happier stuff:
we drove to california and back for fall break and filmed a sweet cover of HAIM with our friend hannah (guys if you don't love HAIM i just don't understand you)

ANDREW GOT A PROMOTION and we're really excited about it. it's gonna make for a lot less stress for this little family of ours.

milo is a crawler and a climber and a talker and just the cutest little guy on the planet really.

we're leaving for philadelphia on sunday to spend a week with my parents! we haven't seen them since milo's blessing way back in may so i'm just a little bit excited to eat yummy food and watch them indulge in the perfection that is milo benny.

THE END IS IN SIGHT. with school, i mean. not life cause that might be a bit depressing, guys. but andrew and i have both planned out our last few semesters! andrew will be done august 2015 and i'll be done in december. THAT'S LIKE. SOON. AH. it feels so good to finally see it coming to an end. most days i can't wait until i'm graduated and can get on with "real life" and whatever, but some days i remember that real life is stressful and jobs and houses and moving somewhere???? i know i'm going to miss this stage of our lives, living in this amazing house, close to relatives, and nothing to worry about but homework and a cute baby. but also the prospect of going anywhere and doing anything is just SO exciting and scary and yes a little stressful. THE FUTURE, MAN. THE FUTURE.

CHRISTMAS ALBUMMMMM. if you don't already know that andrew and i have a band called whisper sands, and that we put out a christmas ep every year for our family then WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR LIFE??? anyway, our album this year is called "Hark!" and i'm really really excited about it. seven delicious christmas songs in all their indie folky pop rock (???) and yeah. you want it. we haven't officially set a release date, but basically right after thanksgiving. so BE ON THE LOOKOUT I'M SO EXCITED.

okay, that's enough of my rambly weirdness for now. HOPE THANKSGIVING IS LOVELY FOR YOU.

to my firstborn, while you are still an only child

My little one,

At some point in your life we will welcome a tiny new baby into our lives and you will become a big brother. It's hard for me to imagine you as someday being the older, bigger, braver brother in this house because right now you are so small and helpless. But someday you will become a big brother and someday you will be the head of this household whenever your father is away.  

It's impossible for me to imagine a world in which you are not the sole focus. It's so difficult to imagine another baby of mine who is so similar to you, but so so different too. To me you are everything in this world and it's hard to imagine sharing that space with someone else. 

It's also impossible for me to imagine a world in which you are not a big brother. The thought of only having one child has never even crossed my mind. Your sweet spirit and goofy personality is one that your siblings will grow to love and look up to. Growing up I wished all the time for a big brother, and now I think of my future daughter (we hope) and how lucky she will be to have you in her life. 

Little one, at some point in your life you will be sad and I will not come running like I do now. I will be in the middle of feeding another new baby or wiping someone else's tears and you might feel neglected or even jealous of these new little ones. But I promise that you have nothing to worry about. Before all these other little ones came it was just you and me and everything I did and worked for was just for you. That is something that we will never share with anyone else. Your siblings will never know a world without you, but I will. I will always remember the way you entered my life and forever changed it. You will always be my firstborn, my little one, the first tiny baby to capture my heart. 

love, mom

this week (!!!!)

let's talk about this week. this week (specifically july 4-july 11) is the best week of the whole year. first of all, there's the fourth of july and who doesn't love a good national holiday with grilling and fireworks and all around summery grandeur?? we spent the morning at our complex's pool, which was (sadly) the first time we have been this summer. it was also milo's first time in a pool so i might have been a little overexcited. in case you weren't aware, i'm kind of obsessed with swimming. it is hands down my favorite sport, so it is highly important to me that my offspring love the water. to be honest, i was expecting him to cry, but when you take into account that it was close to 100 degrees outside, the pool probably felt like a bath to him and he took it like a champ. no smiles, but also no screams. i'll take it.

this face. it kills me.

that evening we got burgers at red robin with andrew's brother and his fiance and then hit up six flags to ride a few coasters before the fireworks. (thank you season passes and also thank you parent swap for making theme parks with a baby a dream come true) and then wouldn't you know it, just after we got off our first ride of the night it started to rain and all the rides were shut down. BUT our evening would not be ruined! we got in the car and went to go stake out our spot for the fireworks. the rain let up and the fireworks started more or less on time, and there's just always so magical about fireworks, isn't there? milo was mesmerized. i think that's gotta be one of the coolest things about being a parent; watching you kids discover things and figure stuff out. there's lots more of that in my future and it is endlessly exciting to me.

so that was our fourth and it was glorious.
the rest of the week is magical for the following reasons:
july 6th: five year anniversary of when andrew saw me for the first time. i honestly don't remember if i saw him or not. i'm sure i did, but clearly it didn't really register. but july 6th for andrew was the day he became infatuated? obsessed? i'm not sure the right word for it, but he thought i was pretty cute and was determined to learn my name. he actually wrote a blog post about it which you can read here. i like him.
july 7-10: all around summery fun-times which include grocery shopping, house cleaning, and listening to my carpenters spotify radio station. also, chicken nuggets and popsicles are involved.
july 11: MY BIRTHDAY. in case you don't know much about me, my birthday is hands down my favorite day of the year. i don't know exactly what the plan is this year, but i do know that it is going to be the best. because it always is.

SO YEAH. that is this week and it makes me happy and my resolve is just to be happier about life in general right now because it's easy to wish things were different/better but that's a lame way to live life. and do i want to be lame? well, no.

ps: if you are into videos that andrew and i make, we made another that you should check out on our youtube channel. (subscribe if you're into it)

this is totally cheating

because it's already past midnight and I was about to go to bed when I remembered I didn't blog yet today and I can't just give up on that goal so early in the month. that would be mildly depressing. 

So I guess the thing about Sundays is that sometimes I feel kind of lost in them. I'm in a place right now where I don't really have a place to be or a group of people to identify with and that makes church really difficult for me, if I'm being honest. Mix all this with me having a 4 month old that usually decides to eat the entirety of church and I guess you could say I'm just really not feeling the whole spiritual side of church right now. Don't get me wrong- I'm still going and I'm not apostasizing or anything. It's just difficult to force yourself to go when you don't know many people, the lessons are aimed at people way older than you, and even if a good lesson does come around I'm probably in the mothers room feeding my baby. 

So that's where I'm at. I know I'll find my way around eventually and figure out my place in all of this but for right now I'm taking matters into my own hands and reading and studying on my own time in an attempt to get some spirituality back into my life. 

Is that a bad thing that I feel this way? I don't really know. I don't think so though. I think what is important is that I continue to go to church, despite feeling neglected and out of touch, because I know it is the right thing to do. I believe that obedience is the key here and through obedience I will figure things out in time. 

So there is my rant because I needed a blog post today and that has been weighing on my mind. Have you ever felt this way before? How did you get over the hump and back into uplifting church meetings? 

to the father of my child(ren)

"[My father] didn't tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it. - Clarence B. Kelland

I met you as a stranger nearly five years ago and since then have watched you bloom from stranger to friend to boyfriend to fiancé to husband and finally to father.

Everything about you is special to me. I have always known you to be a wonderful confidant, a hard worker, a sports enthusiast, a brilliant musician, a wordsmith, and a person who makes me laugh. It is a pleasure to stand by your side and be introduced as your wife. It is with great pride that I talk about you and all you have done for my family, for yours, for me, and for yourself. It is with great satisfaction that after singing the entirety of Bohemian Rhapsody in a Borat voice at karaoke, you come over and kiss me. Not all those other cute Utah girls who always say the right things and actually wear pants- but me. It is with humble gratitude that after a long day of work and school that you still come home and offer to help me with the things I need. 

Three months ago you encouraged me and cheered me on as I brought our tiny baby into this world. He arrived blue and squishy and gasping for breath and suddenly we were three. Before his birth I constantly worried that our relationship would never be the same; that we would be too tired to eat donuts and watch Jimmy Fallon every night; that we would be too preoccupied with screaming and crying to record music and videos. My time with you was precious to me above all else and I was worried we would never know those sweet moments again. But as our tiny baby took his first breath and roared his little Simba roar, I saw your eyes light up and a smile spread across your face that I will never forget. And I knew that even though we were three, we were still you and me. 

I have watched you grow from stranger to father in five very short years, and while I have loved every aspect of my life with you, my greatest joy is seeing you become daddy. You've figured out how to bounce Milo just the right way to calm him down in an instant. You can get him to burp in a matter of minutes after I have spent seemingly hours patting his back trying to do the same. And don't think I can't hear you humming the Jurassic Park theme to him as you rock him to sleep every night. He will never know the sacrifices you have made and continue to make to be his father yet he will love you and model his life after everything you do. He will look up to you, just as I do, and I can't imagine a better person to look up to. 

Much love,

Catherine Carol 

etc. etc.

a few things in regards to my last post wherein i discussed my post-baby body:
-i have since found a workout schedule that is working for me right now. it's definitely not as hardcore as i might have done pre-baby but it makes me feel good and productive and maybe i'll get my body in shape again.
-despite being overly self-conscious about my body right now, i am incredibly confident in the majority of other aspects of my life. for example, i am very confident in my capabilities as a mother. since having milo i have never had any moments of self-doubt or worry about if i am doing the right thing for him. i know that i am doing as best as i am able and i am sufficiently providing for his needs, and i feel very good about that. being a mother is the only thing i've ever really had passion for. cello and writing and performing were always things i loved to do, but they could never quite cap the desire to be a mother; and now that i am one i feel more fulfilled in my life then i think i ever have before. i am empowered and happy and confident and i feel like i am doing something worthwhile with my life which i'm not entirely sure is a feeling i have ever felt before.

so yeah. despite me hating my body things are not entirely terrible. not even a little bit. it helps that i have a really cool husband. he's the best.

ps: andrew and i decided we're going to make vlogs over the summer since we can't make any more music videos because our instruments couldn't make the trip with us to san antonio. (oh yeah, we're in san antonio btw) so if you feel so inclined you can watch us be weirdos and whatever on our channel. oh yeah and we also released a 5 song EP a couple weeks ago that we probably haven't promoted as much as we should, so check it out too while you're at it.

body lovin' and a snowy day from the past

these photos have nothing to do with anything but I found them on my computer and they almost made me miss winter. almost. 

There was a blog post circulating some time ago about loving your postpartum body, stretch marks and all because it was so worth holding and having your beautiful baby in your arms. Obviously I would never trade my baby to get my 17 year old body back, but I certainly don't love this postpartum body of mine. In fact, I kinda hate it.

I was probably six-ish months pregnant when I read that blog post for the first time and thought "that is exactly how I feel. I don't care what this baby does to my body. I will love it all." Well that's really noble and everything, Catherine of the past, but I think you're underestimating just how much your body is going to suck in 4 months time. 

See, I thought that the only real thing that would change would be my belly. I was prepared for stretch marks and some flappy skin and zero abs. I just figured I'd do some cardio and crunches and get back to life, ya know? What I wasn't prepared for was the 3 cup size larger boobs, the ridiculous hip spread, and the stretch marks covering my entire body. 

Despite all this I still remained optimistic about being able to get back down to a reasonable size in order to properly enjoy my summer poolside. I was so antsy to hit the 6 week postpartum mark so I could start working out again. I eventually got the go ahead and rushed home to work out. Turned on Insanity, which I used to be able to do without too much struggle (let's be honest no one can actually do Insanity). I did 5 minutes of that crap and had to stop for fear of dying. And I'm not talking 'push through it feel the burn this is good for you you can do it!!!' kind of dying. I'm talking 'please put me on a stretcher and roll me to the hospital I think my body is broken' kind of dying. 

So I buried all my hopes and dreams in an XXL coffin beneath hand weights and a pile of all the cute clothes I used to wear. 

Before we moved to San Antonio for the summer Andrew and I went through all our clothes and purged them of all the ones we didn't want or that didn't fit anymore. I ended up donating most my clothes but I did make a small pile that I called "someday" which consists of all the clothes that I just haaaave to fit in again. It was really depressing to me just how many clothes I didn't have at the end of that purge.  

Side note: are you ever in the middle of blogging when your baby starts being really fussy and you can't figure out why and he doesn't want the pacifier or want to eat and you're like WHAT THE HECK BABY and then you notice that he's oozing poo all over your bedspread? Yeah, me either.

So anyway that's where I'm at. And it's not a totally horrible place to be in all things considered. Things could be a lot worse. (I could have an ugly baby. Now that would be a tragedy). Really though, I could not be more grateful for my sweet baby and for the amazing blessings that come from being a mother.

I do wish that I still loved to wear clothes the way I used to. And that I were comfortable wearing something other than my husband's basketball shorts and baggy tees. And I do hope that when Milo is looking beyond adorable in his new swimsuit that people don't wonder who the whale in men's board shorts is hanging out next to him. And I do hope that if this is the body I will have for the rest of my life (because I do want another 5ish kids) that I will learn to embrace it and dress it and enjoy the body I have. 

But for now, if you need me, I will be in the kitchen. Eating pizza. 

road trippin'

 (disclaimer: this post is poorly written and does not have a profound double meaning or nice little moral to tie everything together. you have been warned)

i don't know what it is exactly but road trips have become one of my favorite things since being married. there are few things i love more than cramming stuff in our little car, making a playlist chock-full of our favorite jams, stocking up on unhealthy snackage and making our way across the country. life tends to get kind of busy when you're married, attending school full-time, working full-time, and being parents so sometimes i really miss those long conversations about nothing that we had all the time when we were dating. but when you've got 21 hours alone together in the car there's nothing but time to catch up and be weird and laugh at jokes that aren't really funny. like at all. because, ya know, that's what being married is all about.

so i was really excited when we planned two big road trips for this summer. one to drive east and go visit our families, and the other to drive to san antonio, texas where andrew is working until august. this time, however, we had a baby; and that made me super duper nervous. i wasn't sure i could handle a 22+ hour road trip with a baby screaming the entire way. (spoiler alert: he was the pro-est of pros)

at the end of april we began the craziest "vacation" of my life. we left utah at 4 am, drove 5 hours to vegas, parked in long-term parking, caught the shuttle to the airport, went through security, found out our flight to philadelphia was delayed two hours, found out our flight was cancelled due to weather, rebooked a red-eye to baltimore later that night, went to a hotel to sleep until we had to be back at the airport, went back to the airport around 10 pm, had to be taken aside and questioned and patted down and detained for 45 minutes because my license didn't match my ticket (that's never happened before meh), finally got through security, found out our flight was delayed AGAIN, sat in the airport until 2 am, got on our plane, landed in baltimore around 9 am, got picked up by my mom and drove two hours to my family's house. all with a baby strapped to my chest. but you know who cried the least amount of the 3 of us? that baby of mine. he was happy as a clam all day long and slept a bunch so that we were able to rest and didn't make a peep on the plane (which i was so so SO stressed about). that boy of mine was truly the dreamiest baby those two days and i cannot be more thankful.

so we finally got to philly on thursday morning and spent the day there with my family. friday morning we left for north carolina to go see andrew's family. we took my dad's car and drove 9 hours to greensboro. once again, not a peep from the baby the whole time. 

sunday morning andrew blessed milo in his family's church building and it was by far one of the sweetest things i've ever experienced. i love those two boys of mine. (more on that later? probably)

monday afternoon we headed back up to philadelphia, but this time with my sister in the back of the car to help tend to milo and keep him entertained. that was nice. and then wednesday night we headed back to the airport and flew home, this time without any delays or security problems (thank goodness). 

we were home for a week and then off it was to san antonio! we split the trip into two 12 hour days. milo wasn't quite as perfect as he was on our east coast trip but i'm pretty sure he just got lonely because once i decided to move to the back of the car he smiled at me really big and then fell asleep holding my finger. i missed you too, pal.

i'm not really sure what the point is to all this. i guess ultimately the point is that despite the chaotic craziness of this summer so far, and despite having a tiny two month old that can't even keep a pacifier in his mouth, i still really really love road trips. i love seeing new places and the sound of the pavement beneath the tires and the excitement that ensues each time we cross into a new state and just everything about traveling the country with my family is wonderful to me. (except for that moment when we were in the middle of nowhere texas at midnight and our gps stopped working and we didn't know where to go. that was a little terrifying BUT i digress) 

so i guess i just like adventures. which is probably why i decided to leave public high school at 15 and why i decided to move to utah at 17, even though i had no idea what i was going to do there. it's why i got married at 18 and pregnant at 19 and it's why i want a whole gigantic slew of precocious redheaded children to call my own. 

i like adventures. i like road trips. and i want to do them all with my family. forever. i can't wait to see what the future holds.

so now you know.

mo' babies (but maybe not yet)

the weirdest thing happened the other day. i was at motherhood maternity getting some more nursing bras and a super pregnant lady walked in. well, not super pregnant. she was at that stage where her bump is perfectly big and cute without looking painful and she was still looking somewhat energetic and not miserable for being out of bed. so i'm gonna guess like 6 or 7 months.

ANYWAY she walked in and i immediately felt these pangs of missing that stage. i miss having people wait on you and open doors for you and even when they awkwardly touch my belly. i miss waiting all day to feel a few tiny kicks, or the hiccups from the little life in my belly. i miss the excitement of every day getting closer to my due date and the excitement of when that day finally came and hugging andrew and saying "we are having a baby!! like... NOW"

the thing is, i hated being pregnant. but there was something so sweet about that stage that just makes me want to do it over and over again.

and even more, i know that the stage i am in now is one that i will soon come to miss. this stage where i'm nailing the mom to a newborn thing; we've got nursing down, naptime down, bedtime, baths, road trips, plane rides...we are a well-oiled machine, me and that baby of mine. but i know in the not too distant future i'm going to miss these little tiny baby moments where he can't crawl and get into everything and where he won't fall asleep on my chest in a milk-induced coma.

i guess what i'm saying is that i need to be more aware of these little moments. because as sure as i was that i would never miss being pregnant, here i am 2 months later missing being pregnant. (let's be honest, i don't miss it that much. just a little.) so something tells me that i will miss these nights rocking my tiny little baby to sleep and singing him songs while he smiles up and me and grabs my fingers. and even though i can certainly have babies again, i can never have this baby again. so let's just try to enjoy every little minute i get with him. okay? okay.

on becoming a parent

sometimes i get really sad that milo will never remember these very beginnings of his life. everything about him, and our family, and this stage of life is so sweet right now and i wish so badly that he could remember it. i wish he could remember our 3 am nursings, lit by the lava lamp on my bedside table. i wish he could remember our bedtime cuddles and the copious amounts of sound of music and mary poppins i sing to him. i wish he could remember all the stupid noises andrew and i make, desperately trying to get him to smile; and i wish he could remember the look on our faces when he finally gives us a giant grin.

there is such a special spirit in our home and in our life ever since he came into it. there's something so special about having such a tiny, new, perfect, and innocent little boy who depends on us for every little thing.

i guess you never really understand just how much your parents love you until you become a parent yourself. at some point you think to yourself "this is how my mom feels about me" and it's far more then you could have ever hoped to understand before. but maybe if he remembered these times and how sweet they are then he would understand just how perfect and special he is to me, and how perfect my love for him is.

and maybe if he remembered and fully understood how much i love him, maybe then he would navigate life so much more easily, having a better understanding of how truly important and special he is- not only to me and his daddy, but to his heavenly father as well. and maybe then he would live his life so much differently then if he didn't fully understand these things at all and had to learn them over time just like the rest of us.

so the thing that makes me sad is that he won't remember any of this. and sure he will always know that andrew and i love him and care about him, but i don't think he will ever truly understand just how special and pure and perfect that love is; until one day, in a darkened room, he will rock his brand new baby to sleep and think "so this is how they feel about me. this is what my parents meant when they said they love me".