Re: Fighting BYU's Ban on Sex

Before you read this post, please read this article from Cosmo and this write-up about the Cosmo article.

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I feel the need to address these two posts because I am a faithful Mormon and I try to live my life in a way that nonmembers can see and know the things that I believe. When articles like this come along I worry about the people that will read it and get wrong ideas about what my religion teaches and what we believe. While Mormons have definitely gained more attention and discussion in the past couple years, I still run into countless people that have never heard of them, or think we're some sort of weird Amish cult. (spoiler: we're not) So when I read articles like this and know that this might be someone's very first exposure to the Mormon faith, it is upsetting to me because it is not an accurate representation of what we believe. 

I don't want to delve too much into this topic, but rather focus on some very simple truths that I believe are misrepresented in the above articles.

1.  “The school’s honor code forces women to dress modestly — no skirts above the knee — supposedly to help men control their thoughts.” [x]

As Mormons we believe that our body is a vessel for our spirit. We believe that our spirits existed long before the Earth did and will continue to exist long after. We came to Earth to receive a body and to prove to ourselves and to Heavenly Father that we are worthy of living in his presence. Because our body is housing our spirit, which is a heavenly and holy being, we often say that our body is a temple. As such, we treat our bodies with respect. We don't get tattoos, we only get one piercing in each ear, and we dress cleanly and nicely. This typically means that we don't wear short shorts or short skirts, crop tops, and tight or sheer clothing. We don't do this out of respect for men but out of respect for the divine gift that is our body, and the spirit it houses. We believe our body is literally a gift from God and we try to treat it as such.

2. Men have the same standard as women!!! Men are also expected to treat their bodies with respect. They also should wear shorts that come to the knee, and should not wear tank tops or go shirtless. At BYU men are not allowed to grow a beard, and are expected to be clean shaven. (Outside of BYU this rule isn't strictly enforced and many men grow beards, however it is still advised that you keep your beard trimmed and maintained.) Men are not permitted tattoos or any piercings. 

3. "Byers describes growing up learning that women who become sexually active are dirty and used, like a chewed up piece of gum." [x]

I have had many an awkward sunday school lesson about waiting to have sex until marriage, and the importance of being chaste. Never have I heard that if I were to have sex before marriage that I would be unwanted. In fact, a common object lesson that I have seen multiple times in sunday school is one where the teacher crumples up a $20 bill, stomps on it, tears it, rubs dirt on it, etc. After this they ask if anyone still wants the $20 bill. Obviously the answer is yes. They use this to teach that we can make mistakes (yes, even mistakes like having sex before marriage!!!) and still be of value and worth to our Heavenly Father. We can always be forgiven and come back into the fold if we are truly repentant. 

4. SEX ISN'T DIRTY!!! Nor have I ever been led to believe that it is. Every single pamphlet, lesson, and talk I have ever heard in church on the topic of sex is that it is a "beautiful and sacred expression of love". We don't abstain from sex because we are afraid of herpes or because we will go to hell if we don't. We abstain from sex because we believe that it is special. The ability to create human life with another human being is the most important and special thing that we can do, and we don't take that act lightly. That doesn't mean it has to be serious and a spiritual experience all the time- but it does mean that it's special enough to only do it with one person, within the bonds of marriage. We believe sex outside marriage is a sin, and therefore it has consequences, but it's a not a sin because it's dirty. It's a sin because it's sacred.(Side note: I think where parents can go wrong with this is that they think the best way to get their kids to abstain from sex is to make them afraid of it, which I very much disagree with. I have heard many horror stories about people who had serious marital complications due to their fear of sex. I believe that understanding and not fear is the proper way to teach abstinence) 

5. "I told my parents and our bishop, and I was banned from church for a month. I was punished because a man had touched me." 

The biggest thing here is that it is impossibly difficult (if it's even possible??) to be banned from the Mormon church. Anyone, and I mean anyone, is welcome to come to church services. Smokers, alcoholics, prostitutes... ANYONE. No one is turned away at the door, no matter how you look, smell, dress, or act. I have seen some of the craziest, most wayward looking people step into our sacrament meetings and they have never been asked to leave. So I'm not sure exactly what she means when she says "she was banned from church for a month." There are a few things this could mean - 1) She was not allowed to take the sacrament for a month. We believe you have to be worthy and in good church standing to partake of the sacrament. 2) She was disfellowshipped for a month. Disfellowshipment means that you are allowed to attend church meetings but can not enter the temple, serve in leadership positions, or exercise the priesthood. This is done in more serious cases, and is second to excommunication. Notice that in both those cases, she would still be allowed to attend church.I won't get into the second half of her statement, because I have no way of knowing what transpired between her and her bishop when this was discussed, or what exactly happened when she was sexually abused. But I will say that the church does not say that victims of sexual assault should be punished for the things that were done to them or that just being touched by a man is enough to warrant any sort of punishment or consequence.

6. BYU is a religious private school. It's naiive and honestly a bit silly to expect them to change their rules because you disagree with them. Many people choose to go to BYU because they appreciate feeling like they won't be pressured into partying and they can focus on their studies. It's a place where many Mormons feel safe and can group together and support one another, because it's not easy abstaining from alcohol, sex, party culture, etc. BYU is one school out of hundreds of thousands. If you want college to be a time of sexual experimentation and parties then you should pick a different school. For me, I want college to be a time of creativity and expanding my musical horizons and becoming a better musician. For that reason, I didn't choose MIT. 

7. The most important thing to remember in all of this is that people are flawed. Our God is perfect but His people are not. Unfortunately there are many Mormons that are extremists and isolate people with their beliefs. I believe this to be true of every religion, but as we all know- these extremists do not make up the vast majority. It is sad to me that Keli Byers had the experiences she did that led her to feel the way she does.   It is frustrating when people we look up to make mistakes that affect our lives so heavily, especially when those people are religious leaders that we trust above others. But I think the key here, as members of a religion filled with imperfect people, is to remember the reasons we came to that religion and chose to believe it. I think most of us would say it was faith in something far bigger than us, and that faith is what keeps us going. The truth is, people (yes, even prophets and apostles and bishops and priests) are going to say things and do things that are wrong, or that may hurt our feelings; they may make bad decisions sometimes or they may make a decision based on an unfair judgment. These things can be seriously faith-shaking, and while they shouldn't always be ignored, I do think it is important to take a step back and think of things from a different perspective. If we remember that they too are fallible people, doing what they can to survive and to help others, it will give us more compassion for them, and a clearer idea of how God feels about us.