on becoming a parent

sometimes i get really sad that milo will never remember these very beginnings of his life. everything about him, and our family, and this stage of life is so sweet right now and i wish so badly that he could remember it. i wish he could remember our 3 am nursings, lit by the lava lamp on my bedside table. i wish he could remember our bedtime cuddles and the copious amounts of sound of music and mary poppins i sing to him. i wish he could remember all the stupid noises andrew and i make, desperately trying to get him to smile; and i wish he could remember the look on our faces when he finally gives us a giant grin.

there is such a special spirit in our home and in our life ever since he came into it. there's something so special about having such a tiny, new, perfect, and innocent little boy who depends on us for every little thing.

i guess you never really understand just how much your parents love you until you become a parent yourself. at some point you think to yourself "this is how my mom feels about me" and it's far more then you could have ever hoped to understand before. but maybe if he remembered these times and how sweet they are then he would understand just how perfect and special he is to me, and how perfect my love for him is.

and maybe if he remembered and fully understood how much i love him, maybe then he would navigate life so much more easily, having a better understanding of how truly important and special he is- not only to me and his daddy, but to his heavenly father as well. and maybe then he would live his life so much differently then if he didn't fully understand these things at all and had to learn them over time just like the rest of us.

so the thing that makes me sad is that he won't remember any of this. and sure he will always know that andrew and i love him and care about him, but i don't think he will ever truly understand just how special and pure and perfect that love is; until one day, in a darkened room, he will rock his brand new baby to sleep and think "so this is how they feel about me. this is what my parents meant when they said they love me".